Did you know that one of the basic needs of every person is a sense of belonging and being important? In everyday interactions, whether in romantic relationships, friendships or professional relationships, we all seek confirmation of our value. Such signals of recognition, importance and noticing another person are called strokes in Transactional Analysis (TA). We can receive them from others, but we can also give them to ourselves. How do they affect closeness and interpersonal relationships?
Touch, smile, praise – it's all important!
Eric Berne (1964), the creator of Transactional Analysis, noticed that people from birth need units of recognition, which can be both nonverbal (e.g. touch, smile, preparing someone a meal) and verbal (praise, expressions of appreciation, thanks). The lack of these signals can lead to a sense of rejection, loneliness and isolation, while giving them in an authentic and adequate way helps build closeness and a sense of self-worth. Contrary to popular belief, you can't overdo it, so don't be afraid that by giving positive units of recognition, you will over-praise or spoil someone.
Research shows that the form and quantity of positive recognitions affect the quality of relationships. Gottman (2024), one of the leading relationship researchers, found that couples who experience a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions are more likely to have a lasting relationship. This means that you should be five times more likely to express appreciation, gratitude or sympathy than to criticise (although conditional negative units of recognition in the form of corrective feedback based on the "I" message are also needed, as they help to set boundaries and indicate areas that require repair).
Mutual kindness in everyday life
In a healthy relationship, partners give each other units of recognition – from small gestures (hugging, eye contact, a warm word, covering with a blanket) to large declarations (support in difficult moments, joint celebration of successes, presence during illness). Gottman (2024) indicates that one of the key factors of relationships durability is mutual kindness in everyday life – i.e., systematically showing each other respect and love. Interesting research conducted by Gordon et al. (20211) showed that couples who exchanged expressions of appreciation and gratitude daily had lower levels of stress and a greater sense of satisfaction in the relationship. Small words such as: "I see your effort", "I am glad that you are in my life" or "I appreciate your care" can be powerful tools for building closeness.
Bowlby's (1988) evolutionary theory of attachment and Ainsworth's (1978) research suggest that our ability to receive and give units of recognition is closely linked to the attachment style that is formed in childhood. People with a secure attachment style have more ease in receiving and offering positive units of recognition openly, whereas people with an avoidant attachment style may have difficulty giving and receiving them. People with an anxious attachment style seek confirmation that they are loved and accepted but may interpret even neutral or ordinary behaviours as signals of rejection or disinterest.
What love consists of
In his theory, Sternberg (1986) distinguished three key components of love: intimacy, passion, and commitment. Each of these elements can be built and strengthened by consciously showing positive units of recognition – intimacy grows, among other things, through mutual interest and emotional support, passion through tenderness and touch, passionate confessions, and commitment through mutual appreciation, nurturing the relationship and declarations. Wojciszke (2018) points out that love goes through different phases and over time the role of units of recognition evolves. At the beginning of a relationship, praise and passionate gestures are most desirable, and over time, everyday acts of care, attention and appreciation become the most important in the relationship. Understanding your attachment style can help you better manage relationships and consciously give and receive units of recognition.
Although we most often seek recognition from others, it is also crucial to give yourself positive recognition. An internal dialogue full of kindness can affect our self-esteem and overall life satisfaction. Neff’s (2011) research on self-compassion indicates that people who treat themselves with gentleness and understanding have lower levels of cortisol (the stress hormone) and greater mental resilience. So, it is worth reminding yourself of your successes every day, accepting your weaknesses, and treating yourself as you would your best friend.
Daily "boosters" of love
While Valentine's Day is a beautiful reminder of love, strengthening it is a daily process, because "building relationships is not a sprint, but a marathon".
Therefore, we should:
- offer positive units of recognition to the loved ones (and yourself) on a daily basis – compliments, appreciation of effort (even the seemingly obvious), small gestures of kindness and care;
- be present – time is the most beautiful thing you can give someone – active listening, eye contact, giving attention to the loved ones strengthens bonds;
- take care of a warm internal dialogue – noticing your own achievements, giving yourself permission to make mistakes and being understanding of yourself, a little in counterpoint to your inner critic.
Love and close relationships are based on small, everyday gestures. Let each day become an opportunity to offer yourself and others positive units of recognition that build a sense of worth and strengthen relationships – "small things, done often, are the key to success in love".
Dr Marta Kucharska-Hauk, author of the text
Source: Dr Marta Kucharska-Hauk, Department of Relations Psychology and Interpersonal Diversity at the Faculty of Educational Sciences, University of Lodz
Edit: Press Office, Univeristy of Lodz
Bibliography:
Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Berne, E. (1964). Games people play: The psychology of human relationships. Grove Press.
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Gordon, A. M., Arnette, R. A., Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today? Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343. doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2010.10.012
Gottman, J. M., Silver, N. (2024). Siedem zasad udanego małżeństwa. WUJ.
Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. HarperCollins.
Sternberg, R. J. (1986). A triangular theory of love. Psychological Review, 93(2), 119–135. doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.93.2.119
Wojciszke, B. (2018). Psychologia miłości. Wydawnictwo Naukowe PWN.